Scared of sneezing

It’s been about 5 weeks since my brain exploded. 5 mere weeks, it feels so near but also so far away. There’s still part of me that is very matter of fact about it, like a broken nail or a split end. But there’s a part of my mind that is now starting to let little details slip through. Things that are quite hard to process and as a result I have started to have the occasional panic attack.

Now the physical body is starting to heal and get stronger it’s time to deal with the psychological. I have suffered on and off with depression throughout most of my adult life. So I’m ready for what may come, that’s not to say that it isn’t frightening, tiring and boring – yes boring. The thing with mental health difficulties is that the person inside, the one who has been hidden by the depression monster is actually rather bored of the whole thing and just wishes that it would piss off and let you get on with things.

So I am now starting to process the mental stuff, the things that are hard to face. They are crawling tortoise like around my psyche and I need to be ready for them.

Firstly, there’s the issue of death, I find it hard to even write that word, its not something we like to face. The inevitability of it is something we can more or less forget on a day to day basis (aside from those 3am attacks with the brain whirring and lying there thinking how useless our lives have been. I KNOW you all do it too!).
Well lets put it in black and white.I had a bleed on my brain and nearly died, very nearly. I collapsed and stopped breathing, it was touch and go and the hospital couldn’t tell my loved ones if I would pull through or not. Gone, click, just like that. This is more than enough to chill my very bones when I cant sleep at night.

Dont get me wrong, I’m glad I’m here, really very glad. I like seeing the people I love, I like breathing. So I suppose a positive I can take from this is when it comes down to it none of this matters, nothing we do really matters. The sun will rise and fall without us. So just get on with it, enjoy it, don’t stress the small stuff. There is always a way out of your problems and as trite as it may seem, tomorrow IS another day. A day I was very glad to see.

I don’t enjoy the late night panic attacks or the initial fear I had of sneezing or pooing (sorry) just in case it bust my head again. I don’t enjoy the fact that when I have a bath I wrap the plug around my toe so that if I fit in the bath, I at least won’t drown (a trick learnt from my epilepsy). I don’t enjoy being tired all the bloody time and not being able to go out and have fun for very long before I need to go to bed.

I still can’t look in a mirror because I have a bump on the right hand side where my skull has knitted together slightly differently and you can see it sticking out (boke). I notice it sticking out like Beachy Head, no one else can see it.

The anxiety is a natural part of the healing, I will deal with it because I have to, because I can. I think having someone to talk to about how scared I am about getting the slightest headache or when my eyes go a bit blurry may help. Bursting into tears when I’m not expecting it is also very annoying.

I am thankful for the surgeon who worked his magic and saved my life and thankful for everyone who continues to do so in other ways on a daily basis.

The rug was pulled from under me, my own mortality smacked me right in the face. I am not invincible and I am not going to live forever no matter how much I tell myself this. Things can go wrong with the body when you least expect it. So enjoy every day, love heavily and with joy, deal with problems dont let them deal with you, appreciate those around you, really do. I nearly had this taken away too soon.


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