It was my intention upon writing this blog to keep it updated frequently but I just looked and my last post was in January. January and it’s now April!
So where are we now? Well it’s supposed to be Spring but its not doing a very good job of it at the moment. I’m still in Belfast, still waiting to start work and still overthinking everything.
I wasn’t sure what to write about this time but figured in the spirit of being honest about myself as with my other posts, I decided to do a bit of a serious(ish) piece on mental health.
I’ll be honest with you all I am struggling. A lot. I have had bouts of depression and anxiety on and off throughout my life. I thought I finally defeated it a few years ago after a bit of a breakdown and time in hospital where there was a man on my corridor who kept shouting ‘sausages’.
But the black dog has returned with a vengeance, mainly due to facing my own mortality and subsequent cabin fever from the brain burst.
There’s a little video I love about depression:
I have been having CBT recently to combat the crippling anxiety I have been experiencing. There are days when I would be shaking constantly just because in my subconscious there is fear. I seem to be scared of everything now. My primitive mind is trying to protect my body by making me cautious but it’s gone a bit overboard, bless it.
One day I’m fine the next day I want to disappear off the planet. The really fun days are the massive panic attacks when I feel like I’m done for and have to lie on the floor to ground myself (not so easy in the Co-op I can tell you).
I am avoiding social situations because of the fear. Fear of what exactly? I’m not entirely sure. In all seriousness I am tired, sweaty, shaky, scared and sad. I have lost all my confidence and feel unsure of myself and can’t make decisions.
I am no longer me
I have lost myself somewhere
Sometimes I don’t have the fight left anymore to even try and get through the day, sometimes I feel invisible. I’m stuck in a place where I don’t want to live but I don’t want to die either.
I used to find joy in life, I used to be busy and active and fit.
I’m just hoping one day that person can come out of hiding and live in my body again. All I know is I want to stop crying and feeling scared and have fun again. I want to enjoy the fresh start I have and my lovely other half who is like a sponge and soaks up my anxieties and supports me. He must be tired now too though. So I also want to do it for him.