Well we’re into May now, life trudges on regardless of anything really.
I was inspired by a post on depression from another blog I read to start adding some naff Paint artwork (ahem) to my posts. So I’m giving it a go today. Please suspend your disbelief at my artistic talent.
I want to write today about where I’m at right now. Things are currently a bit shit. My anxiety is very high and it’s feeding my depression. They’re having a right old party at my expense. I want to try to explain how my day to day life feels.
I’m also due to start work on Monday so this is not making me feel the best. I’m a bit scared about it all.
You know when people ask how things are and you smile and say ‘great thanks!’, I do that a lot, a LOT lot. It’s true sometimes but sometimes it’s not.
There’s a feeling of having to show the world that everything is ok, there’s something that stops you from saying ‘well actually, I’m doing rubbish and I could really do with a hug and someone to talk to’. There’s a fear of people thinking you’re mental and shunning you. So you keep up the pretence.
My mood changes you see, my brain is at present very much in control of me. Some days things feel good and on others EVERYTHING scares me.
(my brain there on a see saw, like a bastard).
I’m currently going through an everything scares me phase.
Try to live your life every day in fear, it’s knackering, honest.
So add the tiredness to the fear to the panic to the depression to the physical recovery and you have a pretty potent mix.
My CBT person tells me what I’m experiencing is a natural come down from the trauma of my brush with death and subsequent surgery, I believe her, I know this to be true but logic goes on holiday when the panic gets a proper grip.
My solution when things get too much is to hide. I stay indoors. I stare at the walls and watch lots of stupid TV.
Whilst in theory this can help me feel cocooned and alleviate some of the anxiety, it’s also very boring and not a long term solution. I can’t hide forever and have to face the world. I used to do ‘things’, now doing anything requires a great leap of faith.
When the anxiety is the monster it also makes me low and depressed I feel hopeless and like I’ll never feel happy again. There is no joy in life and no end to the feelings of despair.
This in turn feeds the panic and this feeds the depression more. It makes me cry. This is not how I want things to be but I cant help it.
I have the support of family and a loving partner but sometimes even they cant reach me, the monster is too strong.
I look at them from a very deep pit and hate myself for being so weak and crap and imposing this on them. But I need to talk and talk and talk and talk about this until it gets smaller and goes away. Until that day I have to bore them with it. Sorry guys.
I keep telling myself I WILL get better one day, I have to, the alternative is not something I want to live with every day. As my brush with death becomes more of a distant memory then so will the monster.
Until then, if you ask me if I’m ok and I say ‘yes I’m great!’ please give me a hug anyway, you know, just in case.