Dug from the rubble

It’s 11 months today since my operation. Nearly a year has passed, this is a reason to rejoice, it means it’s getting further away but its also a time to be aware. Anniversaries of such things are often triggering and can cause pain.

I am very deep into the grieving process now. I am finally getting angry, I hate my TBI, I hate what it has done to my life and I hate what my life has now become. I hate that my days are long and boring and sad.

The journey of recovery is not simple as I’ve mentioned before, but the bit that hurts like a very deep soul pain is the re-emergence of symptoms you thought you had dealt with. TBI is the gift that keeps on giving, you don’t get anxious or depressed once, deal with it and hey ho off we go! These states can return out of the blue and as many times as they see fit. You don’t peel a layer of the onion and get a nice fresh one until you eventually reach the middle. The TBI onion has no middle, it just keeps peeling.

onion of recovery

I’ve just come out of the tail end of a crippling bout of anxiety. It lasted about 6 days. I would wake through the night scared. I would wake in the morning already shaking and sweating. I was full of fear. Scared of ‘out there’, something intangible I couldn’t put my finger on but I absolutely knew it was out to get me. I was exhausted. I caved and went to the GP and got some magic tablets. You see TBI is not just the injury, it’s the PTSD, the grieving process and the depression. A mixed bag of fun that stops you just bloody well getting on with things.

I’m currently in a crying phase of grief, a full on all out display of ugly face blubbing. It’s good to release it, I need to, but it’s inconvenient and it hurts and it’s the loneliest thing in the world. The crying releases the grief so I shouldn’t suppress it and it can be seen as a positive thing but why does something positive have to be such a pain? Anything positive about this process hurts, it’s gut wrenching and hard.

I’m feeling sorry for myself right now, I am at a point where I can’t see a way through and I feel that I’m going to be ill forever. The only thing I can do is tell myself I’ll be ok (even if I don’t believe it). Otherwise I may just give up.

8 thoughts on “Dug from the rubble

  1. Excellent post. I wish I could express myself so coherently. Coherence and I had an ugly breakup a long time ago. Very true about anniversaries being triggers. Lots of emotional landmines.

    I do not have any tattoos, however I am seriously considering getting the Never Ending Onion of Recovery inked onto my forehead.

    Sending you cozy thoughts as always.

  2. I know what you mean. I have PTSD, depression and anxiety along with ADHD. Sometimes I go through periods of extreme sadness and cry all the time. This can last weeks. It’s a horrible way to live. I’m working really hard to learn some coping mechanisms such as mindfulness and meditation. It’s a lot of hard work, but with practice and patience and belief in yourself, it does eventually work. It’s very rewarding. It helps me have a more positive attitude and I’m better able to deal with the painful emotions. Not to say I will never experience the extreme sadness, loneliness, and crying spells ever again because I’m sure I will. I just hope I won’t stay stuck there for so long. I can always expect to have an episode every father’s day because when I was only 8 a drunk driver killed my dad. Hang in there, it can get better. Good luck on this difficult journey. Enjoy your weekend and know you aren’t alone.

  3. Yes, it’s a very slow process and expect setbacks along the way, not trying to be negative, but it’s just a reality of the recovery process. No one is perfect. I’m told with daily practice and as you put it, very gentle pushing of our boundaries, we will get there eventually. It is very hard work, as you know. Hang in there cause you got this!

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