Here I’ll remain while my heart can hide.

It’s been a few weeks since the dizzy heights of my 12 month anniversary of TBI. I was very hopeful and going through some ‘good days’. With TBI you measure time in days. Not weeks or months. You don’t look ahead too far, you have to stay in the here and now. This is both good and bad. It’s good because living in the now is exactly where you want to be, it’s mindful and what I strive for with meditation. It’s bad because it’s hard to do and it’s only sometimes used as a form of protection. ‘Good days’ can turn into ‘bad days’ a mere 24 hours apart. I’ve mentioned in previous posts about the frustrating nature of TBI recovery and it’s back and forth nature so I won’t labour the point here but let’s just say there’s been a few ‘bad days’ since my last post.

I want to talk to you today about the particular breed of anxiety that manifests itself for me. I sometimes have the generic ‘everything is out to get me’ anxiety, though to be fair this is becoming much much less of an issue these days. The other type I have is quite funny really, I have to laugh at myself because I know how ridiculous it is when I get it.

The TBI has gifted me with health anxiety, now don’t get me wrong, it’s not constant and only flares up when I’m low generally or haven’t slept properly for a while. The thing with health anxiety is any tingle, zap or flutter anywhere in my body sets me off on an Internet quest to find just ‘what exactly is wrong with me’. Now you can see where this is leading, I end up convinced that I have TB, Beri Beri, my legs are going to drop off or some such nonsense. The Internet you see is a wonderful tool for knowledge and connection and understanding the world BUT it is also a place for quackery, misinformation and convincing a very bored Braingirl that I have EVERYTHING EVER.

To combat such silliness and general malaise and crappery I am trying to gain control of my thoughts and feelings. Instead of letting them run away with themselves and tell me all sorts of dark horrible nonsense I want to lighten my load and make life a little easier for myself.

This wee article sums it up for me http://tinybuddha.com/blog/3-steps-to-practice-acceptance-have-a-peaceful-life/

i’m trying very hard to let go and find beauty in things again. It’s difficult and I don’t always get it right but it’s a start.

Here’s some beauty in music form to start you all off.

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