“Deep connection is the antidote to madness” – Stefan Molyneux
I’m sat here in bed on a rainy August day and I have had a few ideas for this blog post running through my mind for a few weeks. I’ve written all the ideas down so they will eventually come into being at some point. I have to wait though, wait until it’s ready to be born before I write it. There are all the elements to consider – the subject matter, drawing or not? what music should I use? believe it or not these things take some thinking, I don’t write until all the elements are in place and they usually come one at a time at odd times of the day or night. I’ll suddenly get a song in my head from nowhere and think that’s perfect for a post, so I pluck it like a ripe cherry and turn on the laptop.
There are bloggers who would argue that constant output is what makes a successful blog, I would argue that it’s doing what feels right and you enjoy makes a successful blog. I don’t write a post every other day because it just isn’t me and my experiences writing this blog are so very personal that writing a post churns up all sorts of feelings for me and its quite tiring if I did that all the time. Also there’s an honesty that comes from writing intuitively, when the mood is right. It means I get what I need to say at the time I need to say it.
So that preamble about intuition brings me to my reason for writing today – spirituality (with a small s). Over my many hours reading about trauma there was something that would often pop up a lot and that is that a significant trauma often causes a deeper spiritual connection, now this could be to anything, some people start praying, some find comfort in a brand new religion, some may get naked and dance round fires – whatever. There are also a few that go the other way and turn off from a deep connection to anything having felt so let down by life. On the whole though there is a definite trend for something ‘out there’.
Now I’ve always been a bit of a hippy child and loved being in nature and around animals but when my trauma happened I switched off for a while, I zoned out of the world, I got a bit out of step with everything including myself. This is still relevant in my life right now, I find I like to be alone a lot, I don’t want to be around big groups of people, my world has contracted significantly and whilst that was a source of great distress initially I cope with it rather well now. It means I have time and space – those wonderful things no amount of money can buy. I sometimes use this time in a destructive way by isolating myself and distracting from my pain by using Netflix and endlessly circling the internet but there are times when I can happily just sit and be… for hours.
In the past, pre injury me would have been horrified by this, sitting and letting the mind wander is a ‘bad thing’ in our society, it means you’re lazy or unmotivated or other such nonsense words used to keep you sweating on the treadmill of life. Well I’ll let you into a secret; sitting and being still is WONDERFUL, I recommend you all do it as often as you like. It’s this time spent just doing absolutely nothing that I have heard my soul sing, heard the answers to questions I sorely needed, been able to find what makes me resonate, sat with my pain and held it’s hand and started to find who I am again. It’s not plain sailing it’s difficult at first because of the conditioning we have to be active and successful and burning ourselves out. I’ve learnt from this how to say no and not feel guilty. I honour myself and stand in my own power in a way I never have before, not in a shouty, bossy ‘here I am’ kind of way but a gentle, take me or leave me space.
Coupled with this is a much deeper connection with the world and it’s beauty, I thrive amongst the trees and the grass in a very free way. I’m also much more in tune with the cycles of nature – the moon, the seasons, my own hormones! I’m not big into organised religion as to me it’s full of rules and restrictions so I guess my spirituality has become the earth, peace, myself and most importantly love. It’s a cliche but once you start to love and respect yourself the world opens up to you. Don’t get me wrong I still have days where I feel downhearted, sad, scared, lost and unsure of everything but that’s because I’m HUMAN.
So another gift there, a gift from the bowels of the hell that is trauma and brain injury. Whod’ve thought it?