I wish I could live like I’m longin’ to live

Hello December! The cold has finally descended and the nights are long and dark. A time to reflect and hibernate and take stock. I’ve had so many different feelings and experiences this past few months, things that feel like going backwards but I’m not, things that feel like great leaps. There’s the usual mood roller-coaster although I do think I’m starting to get more of a handle on this. I’m nowhere near as out of control as I used to be and the swings aren’t as scary. I’ve had a few pitch battles with fatigue but again each episode is less devastating than the one preceding.

I will do a post soon on what has helped me the most and how my thinking has evolved and developed throughout this process (makes note in mental filing cabinet) but today’s little foray into my damaged brain comes courtesy of gratitude, letting go and waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Something that has become a daily practice for me is Gratitude; everyday I lie in bed at night and say out loud what I am grateful for, even on wall staring days I try to find something, for example, ‘I am grateful for my breath’, ‘I am grateful I made it through the day’ etc. On busier days it could be about the walk I took or the task I completed. The upshot is gratitude improves my resilience and this is turn makes for a less depressive outlook. It works for me and this is what matters.

However, despite things moving vaguely in the right direction, I notice resistance within me, I sit and talk to this resistance and ask it what the deal is. It would seem I am scared of completely letting go still, I’m scared to put trust and faith that if I let go and free-fall I will be ok. That trust and faith is what I’m nurturing but it’s not there yet, I feel good things around me and in me but I close it down fairly quickly as I wonder when the pain is going to come again I.e. when the other shoe will drop. My beautiful damaged wee brain is still trying to protect me, it’s telling me not to enjoy things too much as the world is scary and if I get too blissed out then ‘you know something crap is going to happen again don’t you lady?’. The oogly boogly monster is waiting to leap out and smack me in the chops.

oogly boogly monster

Maybe it’s partly tied in with feeling ‘deserving’ of joy, I often felt throughout my life I wasn’t ‘good enough’ for all the wonderful things in life, maybe it’s partly to do with the reptilian brain hunkering down and being safe but the ‘why’ isn’t really important, it’s the being, the wisdom and the moving through. Knowing all this is a good start to feeling my way, I have to not over think things and just let them flow like the Ocean. I’m not truly free yet, I still dip my toe in bliss but retreat back to the safety of the sand. It’s my goal to totally let go of this, to bathe in the warm waters of the Pacified Ocean and have found that trust in myself and the world again.

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