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Found myself too awkward

We’ve been drenched and wind battered for most of November, I’ve missed most of it because I’ve been an anxious bunny for a while. Like always, I motor on with bits and pieces I can manage to do with my energy at critical levels; but I sit and dream about being at my allotment and getting on top of the weeds that are probably about 3ft high now!

I want to write today about a topic that for some reason people seem to get ashamed about; even though it’s a natural human emotion. There’s enough people firing shame at us from every angle, for perceived wrongs so don’t add to it yourself. As I’ve come to realise, there’s no shame in ANYTHING we feel. The emotion that is coming up a lot for me at the moment is jealousy or as it’s also known

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I’m jealous not in that ‘I hate you all and you need to be unhappy’ kind of way, it’s more like a ‘I want to do things like you lot can do’ kind of way. Now don’t get me wrong, I know the image projected by others on things such as social media is only a snapshot of people’s lives and we all present our ‘best side’. It’s not like I even want to stand in the sea flipping my hair or do a thumbs up on top of a mountain (yes, there are people that do these things!). I just want to go out at night or meet some friends somewhere without the payback of fatigue.

Theres an acronym that the youngsters use for such a feeling known as FOMO (Fear Of Missing Out), mines not really like that mines more like FAME (Frustration About Missing Everything). I’m frustrated right now and frustration is a right old moaner. I’m sick of having to be so prescriptive with my energy, I’m sick of missing lots of interesting stuff that I’d really like to go to because it’s at 8pm and I’m fit for nothing by then, I’m sick of not running up hills, I’M SICK OF EVERYTHING. I’ll fully admit I get totally pig sick when I look on social media and see my friends on there doing stuff. I am jealous of you all.

I’ve been at this long enough now to know that feeling this is ok, I wouldn’t be human if I didn’t get sick of things. I also know that in the long term dwelling on what I can’t do and can’t change right now is an exercise in futility. I’m going to honour my jealousy for a short while and tell my brain injury that at this moment it’s a total sod. I’m going to look at your smiling faces on Facebook and say how it makes me think uncharitable thoughts (mostly about the hand I’ve been dealt but sometimes about you. Sorry, I don’t mean it!). Then when I’m done giving the monster a voice and space to be a bit of a pain I’m going to start counting my blessings again. I certainly don’t want people I love to stop doing what they are doing for fear of upsetting me, I want them to be brave and bold and stride out. Ultimately what upsets me, teaches me. So thank you for the lesson.

Green eyed monsters of the world unite! Feel that burn go right through you, let the tears come without shame. Be vulnerable in your FAME and know you are shining a torch into every single corner of your human-ness. Don’t be afraid to share with others how you feel and you’ll be surprised how many have been there too.