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Done and not done

This blog has been popping into my head the past week or so, I took it as a sign to pay it some attention. I haven’t written anything since May. I can’t believe how fast the past 3 months have gone. But as always with the brain injury clock it’s also gone really really slowly.  A contradiction that sounds daft but honestly, that’s how time passes for us who aren’t neuro typical anymore.

The past three months have also been a time of contrasts in my recovery.  I had a huge surge of energy that lasted a while around May/June then I crashed heavily for most of July. My depressive episodes have come and gone and I’ve spent some time hiding from the world when I got overwhelmed with everything. My time off Facebook however has been nothing but positive. I love not having it in my life anymore and I didn’t spontaneously combust without it!

There’s been some awesome stuff happening, we resuced a dog from a sanctuary (adopt don’t shop folks) and he’s a bit nuts and anxious and hyper vigilant (just like his human mother!) but he’s also fun and cuddly and smart as a whip. He’s my new best mate and thanks to Agent Cooper (we renamed him and it suits him so well) I’m embarking on another attempt at exercise. I missed exercising so much, I missed that it made me feel fit and strong. I got a hands free jogging lead for me and the dog and we’re now trying to follow a schedule of short runs until I can start to build up my fitness. This always brings with it a whole new wall of fear and issues to overcome around initiation and motivation. I’m great at ideas but not so great at following through. My brain is just not a fan of initiating action. That’s why I hardly ever cook anymore and when I do it’s simple quick stuff like mushrooms on toast. My lack of cooking activity is a task I really want to conquer, another day, another hill to climb.

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Just look at his face!

Another great thing is my enrolment onto Year two of my Horticulture course. I did 4 exams in my first year as well as attending lectures. I seriously never thought I’d make it through the first year, but here I am, one month away from starting Year two and hopefully qualifying. Then stuff gets real, I have to decide what I’m actually going to do with the qualification. I like the idea of Horticultural Therapy but that could all change by next year.

I also enrolled on a 6 week singing course over the Summer. I used to love singing but I lost it all post TBI. I wanted to give myself permission to use my voice again so did a quick course in Belfast which brought with it more challenges – fatigue, other people, driving around the city centre, going somewhere new and doing something very uncomfortable for me. But I loved it and I can now sing in the shower right from the centre of myself, belting it out with the best of them.

In amongst tears and fatigue and dog walking I’ve also had the first anniversary of our handfasting and had family come and visit. A challenging time but I definitely think I was more ‘with it’ this time than the last visit.

Along with the ‘done’ stuff comes the ‘not done’. I’m told to acknowledge my achievements and be proud (this is actually very hard for me to do) but there are always things that I desire. My guitar, my poor guitar. I still haven’t picked it up. I hate that it’s something I love but I can’t bring myself to do. There are fear issues around making my brain too tired but also the frustration of only being able to do five minutes on it before my brain does a loop de loop in my head and gives up. There’s also the fact that I’m starting again, from the beginning and that annoys me. Any guitar players who want to sit with me and kick me up the jacksy please get in touch.

Also not done is cooking, as mentioned above, no full on kitchen action for me. I used to be quite good at the old cooking malarkey, now it’s just a series of terrifying ingredients that I have no idea what to do with. I’d also like to learn another language. I have Brazilian Portuguese cds for the car but again, lack of initiation is my downfall. Maybe I’m setting the bar too high and need to start getting the basics of life into a routine again but I’m a dreamer and an ideas woman. Always jumping around in my brain from one thing to another of all these things I want to achieve. I reckon in my head I’m a renaissance woman, full of talent and creativity and the ability to do all things but in reality I’m brain damage woman, full of trauma and fear and slow neurons. One day the two women will be aligned and I will live happily somewhere between them both.

What are your big ideas that are frustratingly out of reach right now?