An deireadh

Hello beautiful people,

What a long time it has been since we last met here. So much is happening on a micro and macro scale that it’s impossible to think about it too much for fear of overwhelm.

This is a post I’ve had percolating around in my mind for a good few weeks now, it’s that time of year when I come here and write about still being alive, about moving through sludge and about hope.

This year though, at 8 years young, it’s going to be different. I’ve finally reached the stage where it now feels like it’s an event from a faraway time and a faraway place. I never thought I’d make it here, I imagined I was destined to carry the weight of that day forever. The past year has been such a time of transformation for me that even the dreaded anniversary effect has admitted defeat and gone home to wherever such creatures reside.

There’s not one thing I can put my finger on that created the change, it’s just been a combination of many things. I think finally letting myself fall ill to paraphrase Rumi was a major factor, forgiving myself and allowing myself without shame to be an absolute mess. To not be sorry for crying or feeling angry. I also learnt in this magical year to love myself, something I’ve never done. This gave me confidence and also a finely honed capacity to not give a flying wazzoo about what anyone thought of me anymore, there’s strength in that, it allowed me to slither back into myself, to take up space once more.

Time, oh time, it unfolded beautifully as it wanted to, I wasn’t aware of its plan, it gave me a dig when I kept impatiently pushing and prodding it, gnashing my teeth when it just wouldn’t move quickly enough. Trust time, nurture time, it is wise.

I’ve spent the past eight years doing everything and nothing, I’ve kept my mind busy when it allowed, learning lots of new things that I loved. Herbalism, Counselling, Horticulture, Garden Design and getting out the paintbrushes and the sewing machine. Things that make life heartfull and interesting. I went Vegan in this liminal time, a decision that stands as one of my best alongside adopting our furry boy Cooper, my best friend, my mirror. A boy full of joy who makes me laugh and smile every day.

In recent months I’ve started studying the Bardic grade with OBOD (Order of Bards, Ovates and Druids) and I’m enjoying it immensely. I’m learning Gaeilge (or trying to) and I’m about to embark on the next module towards a Forensic Psychology degree. The biggest change however, has been the fact I’ve started running again, a chance encounter on YouTube with a shouty Welsh man doing running music reviews has enriched my Earth body with the bravery and sheer abandonment of running in nature again. I’m not a fast or far runner, I’m an arms in the air, laughing at myself runner which is the best kind I think. Thanks to Running Punks and Jimmy for giving me the gift of strength and health.

What can I say, I’m the happiest I’ve ever been, the fact I’m not trying anymore, striving, people pleasing and just taking responsibility for my own self and my happiness is rewarding me with a life of abundant joy and love. Do I still get fatigued and sad? Of course I do, but I navigate that stuff like a boss. Letting go came quietly and without fanfare but in a haze of tears, sadness and relief.

So, here we are, a blog with an owner that has nothing to write about anymore, I knew this day would come eventually, I’ve written myself through the absolute worst thing I’ve ever experienced. I’m spent. The grief that I poured through these virtual pages has slowly brought me back to life, for that I’m grateful. I hope, my friends, that it has helped you too.

It is time to say goodbye, I’m crying as I write this, there is a lifetime here in this blog, a fools journey, there and back again. I think of the friends I made along the way, the people who reached out during their own personal nightmares. I wish you all the very best and I hope you stay in touch. Thank you to you all, you will never truly know how you helped. We all find our own way through this and sometimes it feels like it’s never going to happen. My one wish for you all is that you hold on and make it. Those that come after to the brain injury club, for there will unfortunately be many, know I’m here from the past willing you on.

It’s weird to think that even when I disappear off onto new things this will still be here, a capsule of light and shadow as I moved through my loss and came to terms with what happens when the rug of life is pulled from under your feet and sent to the tip.

I have a new rug now, it really ties the room together.

It wouldn’t be right to finish without a song, this is for you all.








Just breathe

Hello all,

Well here we are in the midst of a Pandemic. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to really write anything about this virus. There’s already enough shouting going on out there on the net and in the (trash) media. Adding my voice is just more noise, but then I thought that it may be worth just voicing how it is for me and hope that it resonates with some of my fellow headbangers.

I’ll start by saying, If this had happened a few years ago I’d be running to the hills in a hazmat suit and building an underground bunker such was my anxiety and mistrust in the world. Today, whilst acknowledging that it’s scary for some people, I will admit to not feeling frightened or panicked by any of this. When I see everyone losing their heads I wonder if I’ve just totally lost my marbles and I really SHOULD be frightened. On reflection, my marbles are intact, in fact I’ve probably got a few more than most at the moment.

But you see, fear isn’t helping, it doesn’t cure the virus, it won’t stop the virus spreading, it doesn’t help your fellow person and it certainly isn’t good for your mental health. All that fear is doing is making people lose the run of themselves and buy toilet roll. I’m coming at this from a place of calm but prepared. The measures we are told to take such as washing hands and social distancing are absolutely correct. Self isolating if you have symptoms is also doing a great service to yourselves and others. Outside of that I am remaining resolute, hopeful and positive. Anything else is a waste of energy.

The Corona virus has in a lot of ways revealed our humanity and to be honest some of that humanity is downright disappointing. The actions of people piling high their shopping trolleys and not giving a shit about their neighbours access to food and supplies is selfish. There are others who are giving away their family pets to shelters and overburdening the workload at them because they think they’ll catch it off their dogs and cats (they won’t, let’s get that straight). Some are even trying to get vets to murder their healthy animals (it is not compassionate euthanasia when there is no health issue with the pet). This is stupidity. No other word for it.

Please just stop thinking just about yourselves and see that with connection and compassion we are much more useful in a crisis.

When people consume rolling news, hyperbolic social media and tabloid newspapers this is adding to the misinformation and panic. So please for the sake of yourselves, find reliable, scientific sources for news on this pandemic and check on those once a day. Facebook is 1000x more toxic than this virus and is not a place for nuanced rationality. As for the newspapers, it’s probably better to just wipe your arse on those!

As for the tin foil hat brigade, the ‘manufactured bio weapon, 5G, it’s all a plot’ tosspots, those who take great delight in scaring others, well they can just feck off. Those people live in a world of fear, their heads are full of threat and menace at every corner, they love things like this, it gets them salivating, it also lets them negate any responsibility at their part in all of this as it’s ‘somebody else’s fault’ and unfortunately they are given more oxygen than they should. IGNORE THEM. Start to think critically and calmly. A collective deep breath is needed right now. Just take one, count to ten, there, much better.

Also if you’re one of these people that mock Vegans on a regular basis but are now buying all the plant milk out of the shops (‘haha you can’t milk an almond stupid Vegan, oops I’ll just stick 10 cartons of that in my trolley, thank you’). I SEE YOU.

There are many lessons to be learned from this Pandemic, we need to stop eating animals, we need to care more about each other, we need to stop whizzing around the world all the time on polluting aeroplanes, we need to stop looking to government to save us (newsflash: they don’t care, never have, never will, couldn’t ‘sensible decision’ their way out of a paper bag). This is a communal effort, don’t wait to be told by bloody Boris to do the thing, just DO the thing. Lessons that some will take on board but unfortunately we’ll go back to our planet destroying, animal murdering capitalist ways soon enough. Maybe I’m wrong, I hope I’m wrong. I hope this is the kick up the arse we needed.

For my more vulnerable headbanging friends, stay safe, stay well, keep your distance. I love you. This too will pass. I’m here on the internet if you get lonely and need a chat.



It feels like ages.

Hello headbangers,

it’s freezing isn’t it? And bloody wet too.

I’ve not given the writing side of this blog much attention recently and I should, really I should. Instead I’ve been pottering and uploading little videos to Youtube. As well as the longer stuff I’ve been uploading here there’s also some 2-3 min snapshots of me doing stuff like talking about my garden and wandering around in nature.

If you’re interested in subscribing to that kind of nonsense here’s the link


However, due to T&C’s changing and COPPA coming after Youtube that channel may disappear down the plug hole, so I might also start uploading straight onto here too. Not figured out the technicalities of that yet as most of the short videos are done on my phone but I’ll see.

Hope you are all well and hunkering down for Winter. Please let me know how things are going down in the comments, I’ve been a terrible neglectful blogger.

Just wanted to pop on and let you all know I’m still here. You’ll also notice a slight change to the look of the blog, just fancied a tinker around really.

Look after your brains and see you soon


p.s. Just been told this is my 100th post on here. Blimey, I do go on don’t I?


The Healing Journey. Part Two – Body

Disclaimer: This is MY personal journey, I’m in no way suggesting that what works for me will work for you. My hope is that it will get you thinking about things you may not have considered. Also, this is NOT to replace any medical treatment you are or will be receiving, please continue with any medications and therapies you are currently undertaking. Everything I did was AS WELL AS my neurology, GP and Psychology appointments. Please consult a doctor before starting any exercise programme.

Sorry this post has been a bit delayed but due to appointments and the glorious sunshine we’ve had recently, I was making the most of it by watching the birds in the garden and bothering the bulls in the field across the road.

The body, we all have one that functions with varying degrees of success, mine used to be lean and mean thanks to roller derby and running but when my accident happened I went from enjoying regular exercise to being what I called ‘The Slug’. I had no energy to sit upright on the sofa never mind moving with any sort of speed or agility. There was also the brain injury staple of apathy. Apathy is annoying, no other way around it. It gives you lots of ideas of things to do but then tells you that you don’t want to do any of them. I still have apathy to varying degrees and my activity levels are now ‘my get up and gone’.

Body has been the simplest but hardest (in some ways) part of recovery. I’ve known exactly what I needed to do but it just wouldn’t happen. This is partly due to fear. My trauma makes me believe MOVEMENT IS BAD, I was exercising when it happened so any activity beyond a shuffle became a DANGER ZONE. That voice has been very powerful and hasn’t completely gone yet.

Here’s my list of helpful Body stuff I do/tolerate to keep on moving forwards. Again, like Mind I threw lots at myself and kept what stuck.

1) Running

I used to run up hills for fun, I actually enjoyed running and doing it off road meant I mingled in the beautiful scenery whilst getting fit. Now I wouldn’t even attempt a hill but I do occasionally drag myself out down the lane near the house and run past the sheep. When I first attempted running again post injury it was hilarious, I ran like I was made of wood, arms pinned to my sides, shoulders up to my ears and my head rigid. I was afraid that moving my head whilst running would cause another bleed. I did about half a mile stiff as a board and fretted the whole next day that the aching I was experiencing meant that I’d broken something. BUT, I DID it!

I don’t run half as often as I’d like, it still takes some build up to do it but the notion is pretty much always there in my head and when I do manage it, it feels great.

2) Movement
Well duh yeah! Movement, we all move every day but I’m talking more about purposeful movement. For a long time I didn’t move, I couldn’t move, I was terrified. I was permanently hunched and squished up. As I got better I began to get braver and actually went for a walk round the block, jogged up the stairs, moved my head. I read a lot of books on trauma that all mentioned how it gets trapped in the body (particularly the pelvic region), movement helps to push it through and out. So when the fancy takes me I have a little dance in the house or do some crazy hip rolls and thrusts, it’s not pretty, it looks funny but it does the job. I even purposely spread my arms out and stretch them as far as I can to give myself permission to take up more space. Trauma makes you physically and mentally curl up into a ball, taking up space shows my body it’s safe to be bigger and present in the world.

3) Mindful walking
I wrote a whole blog post on this subject here but this is just delightful. Walking in nature in silence and really being in the Now is comforting, joyful and reconnects you. You spend a lot of time in outer space after trauma, walking through woods and fields and meadows is an umbilical cord back to the earth. Try it, you’ll love it.

4) Massage
Self explanatory, a good massage loosens tension and trauma in the muscles and again it’s another great connector. It makes you aware of your body as a solid, physical object instead of the disconnect you have felt. This reminds me of an exercise I found in a book (Waking the Tiger by Peter Levine) that I still do on occasions when I’m starting to float away again. He said that when you have a shower touch each body part in turn and say for example “This is my head, hello head, I can feel you” etc. it sounds daft but after having no connection to yourself it’s a great way of feeling present and reminding your brain that you have a solid body.

5) Ear plugs and sunglasses
This is another thing that people don’t get told. After brain injury your senses can go crazy, the common ones seem to be eyes and ears. It’s like you get super powered hearing and vision. My hearing is so sensitive now, I can hear EVERYTHING, it’s not that great because it tires me out and can hurt when it becomes too much. Always carry sunglasses and earplugs. They are great for helping to prevent overwhelm when everything gets too loud or bright.

6) Napping
All hail the nap! Napping is a great weapon, don’t ever think because you’re an adult you shouldn’t nap. Nonsense. As long as your naps don’t interfere with your main sleep do them when you need to (as soon as you start finding it difficult to sleep at night, stop the naps for a while, unless you have chronic insomnia and need a bit of a catch up). Try not to nap after 3pm and try to restrict it to no more than half an hour. They are great for topping up your battery and can really help with fatigue, mood, energy and general coping skills. Sleep can be an elusive beast after brain injury (too much, too little and still being tired when you wake) so use the nap to help you. I napped LOADS post surgery and still have them now when I start to feel the drag in my energy. It takes a while to understand your energy use so trial and error with this and you’ll eventually get there.

7) Pilates
This is a recent thing for me, I go to a local PIlates class. It’s a small group in a small hall. Perfect for socially anxious me. When I first went I thought “an exercise class where I can lie down with my eyes shut listening to relaxing music, JACKPOT!” Do not be fooled, Pilates works you hard. It’s helping to unwind and wake up my muscles again after so long in hibernation. The two days after my first class felt like I’d been sat on by an elephant but I went back and there’s real value in my body and me getting to know each other again.

The next post is the last in the Trilogy and will cover Spirit.


I wouldn’t knock it til you’re in them shoes

My last post was about our charity attempt at running in the Belfast marathon. Well, we did it! We raised a lot of money that will be going to the Community Brain Injury team that have helped myself and many others navigate the confusing terrain of brain Injury.

So I write to you today a bit achy, a bit tired and a mixture of happy, proud, relieved and grateful. I was posting pictures on Facebook and Twitter from the day and it got me thinking about what the outside world sees and how sometimes that is far removed from the reality of things (not just for me, I suspect we all put our happy, sorted and confident photos onto social media). It is nice to see people enjoying themselves but can be quite demoralising if you’re having an overwhelming day and think you’re not matching up to their lives. Tip 1: NEVER use social media to compare yourself to others, what other people post up there is only a snapshot of what’s going on, they get sad, frustrated and lonely too!

It occurred to me that there may be some dissonance between pictures people see of me and what is really happening in my day. There may even be some mutterings of ‘she’s not sick/recovering/ suffering, look at her there, dressed and outside’.

Posting images such as this one of my view during the marathon

marathonor this one from Beltane

beltanewell these can make it seem like I’ve got it together and I’m ‘better’.

But as I’ve mentioned in previous posts brain injury without any obvious physical impairment is very much an ‘invisible’ disability. What people don’t realise is the amount of work that has gone in BEFORE these photos were taken.

It starts as an idea maybe weeks before it actually happens, there will be some days where myself and Mr Braingirl go to do what we’ve planned and anxiety or fatigue may have other ideas so back onto the planning stage it goes. So we wait for another ‘opening’. When we finally make it out of the door (usually with some lingering anxiety) we have to be able to park near to where we need to be, we also can’t plan for a full day – I get too tired, so we have to fit all we need to into a few hours.

Once we’ve made it through the obstacles we take photos, because it’s nice to take photos and make memories but it’s nice to have them to share with my friends and family and to also say “LOOK, LOOK I DID IT TODAY!” ( how sweet that is!). If you’re reading this and you follow me on twitter or Facebook and get to see my photos please try to imagine the strength it took to get that photo and be happy for me, encourage me. I’m happy when I post them, I look at them many many times because It feeds the part of me that bulldozes through regardless, it nourishes the nature loving, go get ’em bit of me that was lost for so long.

That bit is returning slowly, evidenced by lacing up my trainers on Monday and running in the rain and wind and cold a distance further than I have ever run before. A distance that I did despite the Mumu of Injury talking to me all the way through telling me I was damaging myself and I wasn’t safe. I ran anyway and I think that has to be a metaphor for the whole recovery process, a brain injury IS a marathon, not a sprint and sometimes you may have to stop for water and a rest but keep following the route and eventually you’ll reach the finish line.


Source: Forest Gump: Paramount pictures: howtosurviveinparis.wordpress.com

Run and don’t you ever let things stop you.




You call it jogging

I’m taking a brief sidestep today to write about a little thing myself and other brain injury survivors are doing next month (5th May).

We are going to run in the Belfast marathon.

Yes a marathon.


Admittedly we’re not all doing the whole 26 miles, we’re running as a relay so will do a leg each. But still this is a huge thing for all of us. I readily admit I’m petrified. It’s going to be a long, tiring day. There’s going to be thousands of people there, it’s a bit of a baptism of fire. I have moments of realisation and get scared and wonder if I can stay in bed instead.

I’m hoping for nice weather and a good mood that day, that’s all I need to power through. If I don’t sleep very well the night before my anxiety will rocket. This will make it slightly more difficult than I’d like it to be. But as I’m forever trying to tell myself, I can’t speculate on what ifs anymore, they have a tendency to be negative.

We are running as The Brainwaves, and got a lovely logo made up by the amazing Gary Erskine (comic book artist extraordinaire and friend of roller girls everywhere) whom I admire and respect so much. This will be on our team t-shirts, so if you watch you’ll spot us.

The BrainwavesThe marathon was a target we set ourselves, for me it’ll be an extremely cathartic moment. A time for me to say ‘I blooming well did it’. It was only a few months ago I was scared to run, I went on my first jog post op and ran like I was made out of wood, too scared to move in case I jiggled my brain about. All the brain Injury survivors in this team have had to overcome many obstacles to get to this point, it’s a real test for us. I am so proud to be part of it.