Done and not done

This blog has been popping into my head the past week or so, I took it as a sign to pay it some attention. I haven’t written anything since May. I can’t believe how fast the past 3 months have gone. But as always with the brain injury clock it’s also gone really really slowly.  A contradiction that sounds daft but honestly, that’s how time passes for us who aren’t neuro typical anymore.

The past three months have also been a time of contrasts in my recovery.  I had a huge surge of energy that lasted a while around May/June then I crashed heavily for most of July. My depressive episodes have come and gone and I’ve spent some time hiding from the world when I got overwhelmed with everything. My time off Facebook however has been nothing but positive. I love not having it in my life anymore and I didn’t spontaneously combust without it!

There’s been some awesome stuff happening, we resuced a dog from a sanctuary (adopt don’t shop folks) and he’s a bit nuts and anxious and hyper vigilant (just like his human mother!) but he’s also fun and cuddly and smart as a whip. He’s my new best mate and thanks to Agent Cooper (we renamed him and it suits him so well) I’m embarking on another attempt at exercise. I missed exercising so much, I missed that it made me feel fit and strong. I got a hands free jogging lead for me and the dog and we’re now trying to follow a schedule of short runs until I can start to build up my fitness. This always brings with it a whole new wall of fear and issues to overcome around initiation and motivation. I’m great at ideas but not so great at following through. My brain is just not a fan of initiating action. That’s why I hardly ever cook anymore and when I do it’s simple quick stuff like mushrooms on toast. My lack of cooking activity is a task I really want to conquer, another day, another hill to climb.


Just look at his face!

Another great thing is my enrolment onto Year two of my Horticulture course. I did 4 exams in my first year as well as attending lectures. I seriously never thought I’d make it through the first year, but here I am, one month away from starting Year two and hopefully qualifying. Then stuff gets real, I have to decide what I’m actually going to do with the qualification. I like the idea of Horticultural Therapy but that could all change by next year.

I also enrolled on a 6 week singing course over the Summer. I used to love singing but I lost it all post TBI. I wanted to give myself permission to use my voice again so did a quick course in Belfast which brought with it more challenges – fatigue, other people, driving around the city centre, going somewhere new and doing something very uncomfortable for me. But I loved it and I can now sing in the shower right from the centre of myself, belting it out with the best of them.

In amongst tears and fatigue and dog walking I’ve also had the first anniversary of our handfasting and had family come and visit. A challenging time but I definitely think I was more ‘with it’ this time than the last visit.

Along with the ‘done’ stuff comes the ‘not done’. I’m told to acknowledge my achievements and be proud (this is actually very hard for me to do) but there are always things that I desire. My guitar, my poor guitar. I still haven’t picked it up. I hate that it’s something I love but I can’t bring myself to do. There are fear issues around making my brain too tired but also the frustration of only being able to do five minutes on it before my brain does a loop de loop in my head and gives up. There’s also the fact that I’m starting again, from the beginning and that annoys me. Any guitar players who want to sit with me and kick me up the jacksy please get in touch.

Also not done is cooking, as mentioned above, no full on kitchen action for me. I used to be quite good at the old cooking malarkey, now it’s just a series of terrifying ingredients that I have no idea what to do with. I’d also like to learn another language. I have Brazilian Portuguese cds for the car but again, lack of initiation is my downfall. Maybe I’m setting the bar too high and need to start getting the basics of life into a routine again but I’m a dreamer and an ideas woman. Always jumping around in my brain from one thing to another of all these things I want to achieve. I reckon in my head I’m a renaissance woman, full of talent and creativity and the ability to do all things but in reality I’m brain damage woman, full of trauma and fear and slow neurons. One day the two women will be aligned and I will live happily somewhere between them both.

What are your big ideas that are frustratingly out of reach right now?



Brain injury rehabilitation is a lottery.

There’s a statistic from a 2013-14 study commissioned by Headway that states that every 90 seconds someone is admitted to hospital in the U.K. with a brain injury. Let that sink in. Every. 90. seconds.

That’s a lot of brain injury. Considering the complex nature of brain injury that’s also a lot of uncertainty, confusion and heartbreak. Let us also not forget the practicalities such as loss of employment, social lives and the ability to ‘contribute’. With no real formal prognosis, aside from the age old (and untrue) two year recovery timeline, there’s a lot to consider.

I’m going to be writing this from my personal perspective as a citizen of the UK but I will say that I have heard many similar stories from many brain injury survivors world over.

Firstly, right off the bat let’s get that very British habit of shaming dealt with. There’s this tendency to tell ourselves that at least we’re getting some help and should be grateful, irrespective of the quality of that help. There’s also the old chestnut ‘there are people starving/being bombed/homeless/non specific event that makes them worse off than you’ (delete as appropriate). Yes this sentence can get dragged out at most opportunities, so whilst acknowledging there is terrible stuff happening it doesn’t mean that we don’t get to discuss where we have been failed and the fact that these failures have far reaching implications on a societal level (think numbers of people affected) is pretty important.

The most common complaint I’ve heard from brain injury circles is the discharge from hospital procedure (or lack of it). I was sent out into the world after 9 days, 5 of those in a coma, with absolutely zero information.  I had no idea that I’d even had a brain injury, I still to this day am unaware of which regions of my brain were affected. I wasn’t told I shouldn’t drive. I wasn’t told that there was any help help available should I need it and wasn’t given even the most rudimentary information about potential symptoms or even just a ‘make sure you get lots of rest’ on my way out the door. This, unfortunately is not just my experience. Why oh why would someone with damage to their brain, the most vital sensitive organ, be sent home with nothing? A universal leaflet with some contact numbers and a list of possible symptoms is all it takes. I’ll make one if you want.

If I had presented obvious physical or cognitive deficits I’d have been packed off to the  big modern rehab unit and in all honesty would probably be fairing a bit better right now as a result. I truly believe my recovery was held back by lack of information and aftercare. I came out of hospital thinking everything was functioning so every subsequent symptom that manifested sent me into a tailspin because I couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me.

My recovery began in earnest when I empowered myself by reading what I could to help me understand my new brain and my new life. I was referred at the 9 month mark to a Community Brain Injury Team (CBIT). This is where I got an OT, a physio and a neuropsychologist. This is a NHS service and they provided me with some stability during a very difficult period of my life. They did some great work with me but if I’m being fussy there is some disconnect because of the lack of lived experience. This is something that can’t be helped, I don’t want everyone to acquire brain injuries so a better understanding can be achieved but if a system was implemented where previous service users could be paired with the newly brain injured and integrated into the CBIT this would be extremely beneficial. In those early days you just need someone to say that they understand and have been there too. Also not all regions have the same pool of health professionals, I’ve been desperate for a physio recently but my particular region (I moved 2 years ago) doesn’t have one so tough. Not the fault of the CBIT, they work with what they’ve got but I just wish there was more consistency.

Outside of the NHS there are a handful of charities that provide counselling, activities and support groups. On paper they are a lifeline and I have no doubt they have helped countless number of people but it is a narrow slice of the brain injury population that fit into these services. I am termed a ‘high functioning’ brain injury survivor, I present well, I’m articulate and mostly physically able. My issues are invisible. When I have tried going to activities provided by charities, I don’t fit in. There’s not much differentiation for the differing levels of ability, most charities cater for visible cognitive and physical disability and I get sidelined. I have been spoken. To. Very. Slowly. at some and across the board all organisations forget you had a life pre brain injury, they don’t look at the person you are aside from your brain injury, they don’t see the skills you have or the experiences that have shaped you because they just don’t ask. You are not an individual, you are a set of symptoms. It’s difficult not really fitting in to  either world, the abled and the disabled. There are many like me who feel they have no home in the world of brain injury rehabilitation yet we are not catered for.

My main gripe with charities though is the absolute lack of communication. For some reason they don’t answer emails, they ignore you on social media. I’ve been waiting on a reply to an email I sent in September to a particular charity, I was enquiring about a service they offer as it would have really helped me. No response. It is not my job to constantly prompt them until they reply, so I did what I usually end up having to do and sourced something myself using my own energy and money (both of which I don’t have much of due to aforementioned brain injury!). There is one national well known charity (who I won’t name) that have THE most apathetic attitude. They are unwilling to share anything that may help others because it’s not their ‘brand’, they ignore my queries constantly on social media (maybe it’s just me they’ve taken against, who knows?) and never respond to emails. Feeling lonely and ignored is common amongst brain injury survivors and this lot just reinforce that. Come on folks, get it together!

I have found a common thread in the UK that services are a little more reluctant to use lived experience as a tool to help others whereas across the pond in America and Canada (particular shout out to Brain Injury Society of Toronto) they actively embrace survivor testimony to spread awareness of brain injury. We’re a little overfond in the U.K. of health professionals sitting together in big dusty rooms talking to each other but not including the people with the most experience in these discussion – us! This is why the slowly increasing push towards using service user voices to inform and improve rehab is a great thing (the Oliver Zangwill centre are great at this). We are dying to be heard, to get our chance to speak, use us.

Do you have your own experiences with rehabilitation? What helped and what could be improved?


First there is a mountain

Well fellow travellers, we’re here. I made it.

It’s anniversary day and if we are to pay attention to conventional timelines it’s been 4 years since my accident and my brain injury. I say conventional timelines because after brain injury time becomes somewhat irrelevant, it’s all wibbly and wobbly and can stretch and contract at will.

Firstly I wish myself a


I couldn’t forget this date even if I wanted to, my body reminds me. In the lead up to today over the past few weeks I’ve experienced the anniversary effect, a strange remembering by the cells in my body of some distant thing that happened that was traumatic and life changing. Trauma is a somatic experience and It’s not something I consciously switch on, it just happens. The past few weeks I’ve been exhausted and crying and extremely sensitive but these things aren’t something to fight they are simply what is. 

I have found this past 6 months that acceptance is a lot more present than it used to be, there are still days (such as yesterday) where I want to scream and shout and pull it all out of my body, where I get angry and feel sorry for myself and grieve for what once was or could have been. This is especially present when doing something that I would have just got on with in the past that now gives me a pay off in days of sludgey, treacle-like, emotionally painful fatigue. An example being I started college at the beginning of September (studying Horticulture, so I can deepen my love of plants and nature), just 3 hours a week on a Thursday but by jingo for 3 days after I’m a mess. The difference being now, more often than not, I ALLOW myself to be a mess. Isn’t the messiness from where the beauty germinates and begins to grow?

As I sit here and write this and take a deep breath and try to think about what I want to say to encapsulate the past four years, there is so much contained within me that I don’t know where to begin. I suppose I just want myself and others to know that I’m still here. I still dance with the injury but after 4 years of lessons my rhythm is improving. I also want to give thanks, to my husband, my family and my brain injury community for being understanding, supportive and full of strength and love. I’m lucky. I know this. To have people around me who let me be, who let me expand and shrink and ebb and flow as I need to without looking at their watches or tapping their feet. For those of you who don’t have this support, I’m sorry and know that from the confines of the Internet I am holding the space for you should you need it.

I know there’s a part of me that’s lost forever, a reminder of that part, on occasion can break my heart into pieces, suddenly and swiftly, but I’ve also (mostly) said goodbye to her and let her disappear off into the sunset, her time here with me, for now, is done. I want to no longer talk of ‘battles’ and ‘fights’ regarding my trauma because if I’m fighting who am I fighting? Who am I hurting? Usually myself. There is no need to fight if I let my suffering go. A battle only becomes a battle if I make it so.

There’s still so much growing for me to do,  I need to build trust again, in my body and the world. All of this was stripped away by trauma. I’ve not got my energy expenditure balanced yet, there’s still a lot of famine and feast in my cycles of energy. There’s a huge part of me resisting this because just existing isn’t good enough for me, I want to LIVE. But as with everything throughout this ride, everything evolves and has a lifecycle of its own, I’m letting resistance run its course until it morphs into what comes next. In brain injury terms I’m STILL young, there’s plenty more healing and shifting to come, a fact that both frightens and excites me. There’s also a potential official PTSD diagnosis to come, though giving me a label only helps when dealing with infuriating red tape but not so much on a personal level. Doesn’t really matter to me what this ‘thing’ I have is called, its impact and subsequent learning is dealt with the same way regardless.

As always I’ve chosen a song for this post and I’ve chosen ‘There is a mountain’ by Donovan mostly because it’s a cheery little number but also because with brain injury “first there is a mountain, then there is no mountain, then there is” this song speaks to me about perception and how magic can be found if we look at things differently. 4 years ago my mountain appeared, but through love, compassion, determination, hibernating, sitting with myself and searching and changing my view, the mountain is something that undulates gorgeously, something that becomes a beautiful part of the landscape instead of an obstacle to tackle.

(if an advert pops up at the start of the video, I do apologise. YouTube meh)


You look so tired, unhappy

This is my June post, very late in the month and not what I intended it to be. I had an outline of a script written for a video but I’ve been defeated by fatigue. I wanted to get something out there though so I’m just writing where I’m at today.

I’m fed up today, I’ve been fed up for the past three weeks. I’ve been fatigued for the past three weeks. Minimal activity, days and days of sitting in bed in my pyjamas staring at a screen watching reruns of tv shows that won’t tax my brain. I’ll not lie I’m demotivated, overwhelmed, sad and really really f****d off.

This is the thing with brain injury, initially it defines you completely, you are each other. You lose who you are and become one with the TBI. This then subsides into a more cooperative existence, you know each other are sharing the same space and some of the time can rub along together quite well.


This descent into fatigue, this life stopping, mood changing and all round annoying aspect of my brain injury. I said on my support group the other day of all the things that my brain injury took, I miss my energy the most. This is true, without energy EVERYTHING becomes difficult. It’s also a time when you realise that to some degree you are still defined by the trauma. What happened to me over three and a half years ago still runs the show, it’s not as strong as it used to be but overnight it can firmly and stubbornly put the brakes on.

There’s been a few triggers; hospital appointments, general busyness and then the current political state of the UK. I don’t want to talk about it too much here but the recent vote in the Uk triggered my Post Traumatic Stress. The feeling of being vulnerable and unsafe combined with the catastrophising on social media and the terrible rise in racist incidents sent my brain into an exhausting and fear filled panic spiral. I can’t stop this happening, it does it all by itself. What I CAN do is accept that’s how I feel right now.

I KNOW it’s part of recovery, I KNOW it will pass, I KNOW it’s for my own good but can I just say right here right now in this moment I hate every stingy, mean, exhausting and boring minute of it. I hate being stuck and trapped, I hate feeling my brain literally shut down after ten minutes of any concentrated effort. I HATE IT, I HATE IT.

There’s a certain expectation to be used to this by now, to just go with the flow. Well, I am used to it but I still hate it. I do go with the flow, but ‘going with the flow’ doesn’t mean denying my anger and frustration. As I sit here with my ears constantly clanging with tinnitus, my eyes leaking and my brain just refusing to connect up, this is TBI nearly 4 years on. This is my reality. This is the time to rage against what’s happened.

So I’m resting, switching off, avoiding social media as much as possible, eating well, drinking water, trying to connect both sides of my brain up and waiting this out.

And then, one morning soon, I’ll wake up and be able to get out of bed. I’ll have energy and joy. I’ll be able to read a book or have a conversation without feeling like my body wants to shut down. I’m telling you this because each subsequent episode of fatigue is a launching pad, it’s the hibernation period before you take off into your next chunk of recovery and this is what’s waiting for me at the end of this tunnel and this is what keeps me going, I hope it keeps you going too.


ABI week 2016. The end.


The deeper that sorrow carves into your being the more joy you can contain. Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter’s oven?” — Kahlil Gibran

So here we are, the end. Massive thanks to those who endured my constant posting, those who read, shared and commented and the guest writers who entrusted me with their stories. It’s been a busy week for me and I know why I don’t blog more often than once a month! I’ve enjoyed bringing you different voices this week and showing you some of the different ways that brain injury can be sustained and dealt with.

The overall theme of all the posts is one of hope and strength. I’ve met people that have really been through some devastating situations but they are all brave, strong, caring and incredibly empathic. The role that community plays in recovery must never be underestimated. I run a support group on Facebook (that includes thrivers and care givers) and whilst we have never met each other in person we hold each other up when needed, swap information and ideas and generally get to take off our shoes and be ourselves in a little corner of the Internet. Having a group of non judgemental people who are ready to encourage and help when needed is a great boost. No one questions what you’re feeling or doing they just accept. This has helped my recovery very much and I know it’s helped theirs too.

I want you the brain injured to take away from this week that you are never alone and there is hope, I want the care givers to understand their loved ones a little better but to also know they have a voice too and I’d love the general public to have come away with more awareness of brain injury and it’s invisible nature but to also be a little more careful with their one and only brain.

Brain Injury is many things, it’s sad, frustrating, the biggest loss, fatigue, pain, change, fear and anger inducing but it can also be heart and mind opening, rebirth, compassion, love and kinship. I truly hope yours eventually becomes more of the latter than the former.

If you’d like to connect more here’s some links for you

My braingirl Facebook page is here

The closed Facebook support group (for survivors and care givers) I run UK and Ireland brain injury support is here

I look forward to meeting you

thank you


ABI week 2016. A care givers story. ‘He survived’


Today’s post is written by @poorlittlenell (her Twitter handle) she is sharing her experience of her sons Acquired Brain Injury that he sustained at birth. This really captures the fear, the frustration and then the blossoming that occurs. I’d like to thank poorlittlenell for sharing such a beautiful story with me.

Trigger warning: contains a distressing description of the birth.


The weather that week was unseasonably cold for Sydney in November but as I looked out of the hospital window, sunshine broke through the clouds. I watched a man in Chris Evans glasses make his way purposefully across the car park. Beyond him, vehicles whizzed by on their morning commute.
“Don’t they realise,” I thought, “that the world has changed?”

My son had been born half an hour before. He was not with me on the recovery ward. Only thirty minutes previously, after a nightmarish birth, I had watched him die. Then medical staff poured into the delivery suite. A nurse tore the small alabaster body away from me. Slumped on the delivery table, all I could see was an emergency doctor holding up a pair of heart-starting paddles, the kind they use in medical dramas.
“Clear!” someone instructed.
“This isn’t happening,” I thought. “This type of thing doesn’t happen to me.”
I asked the nurse beside me if my baby was OK but her eyes were fixed ahead, her expression filled with horror. She did not reply.
“Why shouldn’t it happen?” I realised. “What makes me immune from losing a child?”
Ten minutes later, fitting, eyes rolling, my son was rushed to Intensive Care.
They had brought him back from death. He had survived.

Eight years later, on a dazzling October morning in Scotland, I faced my son’s paediatric key worker at the day programme he was attending for his anger issues.
“He has Acquired Brain Injury,” she explained to me, “caused by his oxygen deprivation at birth.”
Mystified, I asked: “What’s Acquired Brain Injury?”

My son’s diagnosis should not have come as a shock to me. From the moment of his traumatic birth, his medical problems had been numerous. As soon as his fits were under control, his high muscle tone and favouring of his left side led to him spending a year in physiotherapy. A skull x-ray for suspected craniosynostosis had come back clear but an MRI scan had revealed him to have enlarged ventricles and possible other brain abnormalities. On top of this, until he was almost four, he was hospitalised at least once a month with his severe asthma. At the same time, he diagnosed with multiple life-threatening allergies. Once these were addressed, his asthma began to improve but by then we had left Australia for a new start in UK, leaving his medical files to take the slow boat after us.
On the day my son was born, I was told there was no guarantee he would ever walk or talk. Later, when he showed the doctors he was bouncing back from death with astonishing aplomb, they reassured me I had cause for cautious optimism. This prediction, at first, seemed to play out beyond my most fervent hopes. While physically slower to develop, my son had vast energy and, apparently, uncanny mental sharpness. When he was a week old, he would follow me around the room with his eyes. At three weeks old, he was smiling, laughing and verbalising. After that, he was never, ever quiet or docile. He was always “on”, every dial in his personality turned to the max. The out-of-control tantrums began at six months old and from eighteen months old he stopped sleeping.

At this point I began to realise that his level of activity, intensity and emotion was beyond a range that could be described as “normal”. But, due in part to us moving house five times, his age and the severity of his other medical needs, the doctors were reluctant to give a concrete diagnosis.

I spent every available moment reading about paediatric conditions, desperate to find an answer for his concerning behaviour. With his hyperactivity, he could have had ADHD but this was not the full picture for him. His intense obsessions, rigidity, heightened anxiety and “ticking” with certain words and phrases, made me suspect he was on the Autistic Spectrum. Yet despite having many social blind spots, he was extremely sociable and capable of strong empathy. Being so intensely curious, he even seemed to match the profile of a Gifted Child. Except that he had never been able to memorise nursery rhymes or learn the simplest of songs. He would forget basic instructions the moment they had been given.
Eventually, it was his aggression that drove me back to the doctors and to Child and Adult Mental Health Services. His frustration had reached such unbearable levels that he would lash out, kicking and punching me up to sixty times a day. He pulled the bathroom door off its hinges and flew into rages where he would smash his toys and throw the contents of his bedroom down the stairs. My journey to have his behaviour addressed led us to the day programme and to his diagnosis of Acquired Brain Injury.

Nowadays I give a wry smile, thinking about my years in the dark over my son’s Brain Injury. When I see a checklist of the symptoms, he ticks every box. He is the Poster Child for ABI, a walking description. His impaired working memory, his processing delays and concentration problems seriously affect his day-to-day life. They mean that although he is currently attending mainstream school, he is nowhere close to receiving an adequate education. He has Executive Dysfunction – the brakes are off on his emotions and anxiety. While he is aware of certain “norms” of behaviour, when he is swept onto the emotional rollercoaster he cannot simply step off. These and his other symptoms are invisible. The outward signs, spotted by those around us, look like weirdness, naughtiness, even delinquency.
“I’m just wondering why you do that?” a small girl asked us the other day, pointing to the ragged sleeves of my son’s school jumper, where he had gnawed the cuffs completely away.
At Legoland, a father with teenage children frowned at us when my son, frustrated by a long wait in a queue, began repeating an inappropriate word at the top of his voice.

A neighbour was concerned and baffled recently that my son, out of my sight for less than five minutes, had failed to warn some younger children away from a dangerous activity. “He’s ten. He should have known they could have been hurt.”
When a person has Acquired Brain Injury, there is a hesitation to explain. I live in dread of his schoolmates discovering the name of his condition and adding “brain-damaged” to their list of insults. On the other hand, when I have been pushed to inform outsiders that he has a neurological disability, I have been met with scorn: “He’s not disabled!” or “Looks fine to me!” Acquired Brain Injury opens the door to a new level of complexity in understanding disability. To have a barely-functioning short-term memory is, of course, different to having barely-functioning legs – yet is, in its own way, as debilitating.

The insulting and dismissive reactions to Acquired Brain Injury are in the minority. The most common response is the one I feel the biggest need to challenge.
“He has a Brain Injury?” The listener’s expression becomes bereft. “But how awful. How sad. How terrible.”
No. My son survived. He is with us and he is so much more than the sum of his brain cells. He has huge energy and enthusiasm, boundless creativity, a sense of humour that has me laughing every time we are together no matter how challenging the day might be. I am frequently left in awe at his tenacity and determination. He has worked unbelievably hard to learn ways to handle his frustration, to the extent that he is no longer aggressive towards me. Yes, the child who would pull doors off their hinges in fits of rage no longer shows violence towards me. I find little incomprehensible notes scattered everywhere that he has written to himself as reminders of Important Things – Important, to him, almost always means Minecraft. School is difficult but despite the stress he is under every day, he keeps soldiering on, with the work, with finding friends, with his allergies, with everything.

I remember the brilliance of the sun on the day he was born and on the day of his diagnosis, a tactless contrast to the darkness of our circumstances. But in my memory, the sunshine has come to symbolise hope. Not a day goes by when I don’t give thanks for my son’s life. To see your baby die in front of you then be resuscitated, to learn he has irreversible brain damage – that is traumatic. The shock will stay with me forever. But the alternative for him was death.
In the ten years since he suffered the brain trauma, one grief has stood out in my mind: “What was he meant to be like? What did the brain damage take away?”
Last week, my son answered this question himself when we were talking about the Science of the Future. I had heard a proposal for a computerised implant for people with brain injuries that could repair the damaged part of their brain.
“If that technology ever came about,” I asked my son, “would you use it?”
“No,” he replied without hesitation. “Because if I did, I wouldn’t be myself.”
I realised then that he is a whole and complete person. My son with Acquired Brain Injury is who he is meant to be.


…and then the sun came out


“In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer.”
― Albert Camus

As you saw in Wednesday’s post (which if you haven’t read is here) things got very bleak at points after my TBI. I’ve documented many times through my writing and videos the loss that occurred that day. I think it is important not to hide and dismiss this aspect of injury, loss, ourselves but I also want to show that if like me you are or have been in those depths following a brain injury, there is hope.

Hope is a funny thing, it was at times just about the only thing I had to cling onto. Where that reserve of hope comes from when all seems lost, I’ve no idea. But for me, the thought that maybe just maybe in 5 minutes, or 5 days or 5 weeks I’d start to have some lightness or joy was enough to keep me going. Sometimes all it took was someone to whisper ‘you’ll be ok’ and I clung onto that like a steroid addled limpet.

This is me, telling you, that you are safe and you will get there.

There was no one defining moment when everything just clicked, it’s been a gradual unveiling that still continues to this day but I notice in my private writing things stated looking more optimistic


I became more aware of my ‘wholeness’ the fact I could contain all of what was happening inside of me without trying to favour one over the other and fighting myself to push the ‘sad’ away. This is a regular occurrence I see within brain injury survivors in those initial years, the exhaustion we put on ourselves by fighting ourselves constantly. Even the language we use like ‘battle’ ‘war’ and ‘struggle’ do us no favours. I try not to use these terms now (they do slip out occasionally but that’s ok).

So once I’d started to learn to lean into myself, to just let things be, it became easier. It didn’t go away, of course not, but sadness and all those associated ‘negative’ emotions become part of ‘what is’if you just remove the label. This took time for me, it meant a lot of unraveling of learnt thoughts and behaviours around my emotions but I’m getting there.

I began to write less about how awful everything was and started to make lists of things I’d like to achieve, things I’d like to have in my life, an unheard of idea in the first 2 1/2 years post injury. Also, I know it’s a cliché but time, wonderful time has been an ally. Now I’m not talking a few weeks here, you need more patience than you ever thought existed in the entire world, but time has carried me further away from that place towards one that looks more comfortable. I found looking through my notebooks I was writing less now, the need to find solace on the page was lessening and I found a phrase that just was a complete lightbulb moment for me


POST TRAUMATIC GROWTH. I had never even considered such a simple concept, I was stuck in the trauma and as far as I was concerned that was it.

I can only speak for myself and how things unfolded for me but there is growth after trauma, it takes time and effort but it’s possible. You fall over many times but that’s part of it. I fell and still do but I get up again and keep going, I don’t want to sound like one of those ‘pull your socks up’ types, I’d never say that to anyone. I know how it feels to give up, I know how it feels to be exhausted and empty, so give that part of you a little space to do its thing then try again. It’s not a race, if you aren’t feeling it for a week then have a week off. I had months (yes months) of complete inaction, berating myself for being useless. If I’d have known then to just be ok with that I’d have been less distressed and tired. We humans are funny creatures we are perfectionists, we like things done as quickly as possible, the concept of drifting and letting things unfold fills us with terror. Good! Let if fill you  with terror then once it’s gone, slow down, breathe and grow from your trauma.