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Sometimes you just need some help but don’t know what it looks like

Well we’re into May now, life trudges on regardless of anything really.

I was inspired by a post on depression from another blog I read to start adding some naff Paint artwork (ahem) to my posts. So I’m giving it a go today. Please suspend your disbelief at my artistic talent.

I want to write today about where I’m at right now. Things are currently a bit shit. My anxiety is very high and it’s feeding my depression. They’re having a right old party at my expense. I want to try to explain how my day to day life feels.

I’m also due to start work on Monday so this is not making me feel the best. I’m a bit scared about it all.

You know when people ask how things are and you smile and say ‘great thanks!’, I do that a lot, a LOT lot. It’s true sometimes but sometimes it’s not.

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There’s a feeling of having to show the world that everything is ok, there’s something that stops you from saying ‘well actually, I’m doing rubbish and I could really do with a hug and someone to talk to’. There’s a fear of people thinking you’re mental and shunning you. So you keep up the pretence.

My mood changes you see, my brain is at present very much in control of me. Some days things feel good and on others EVERYTHING scares me.

(my brain there on a see saw, like a bastard).
I’m currently going through an everything scares me phase.
Try to live your life every day in fear, it’s knackering, honest.
So add the tiredness to the fear to the panic to the depression to the physical recovery and you have a pretty potent mix.
My CBT person tells me what I’m experiencing is a natural come down from the trauma of my brush with death and subsequent surgery, I believe her, I know this to be true but logic goes on holiday when the panic gets a proper grip.
My solution when things get too much is to hide. I stay indoors. I stare at the walls and watch lots of stupid TV.
Whilst in theory this can help me feel cocooned and alleviate some of the anxiety, it’s also very boring and not a long term solution. I can’t hide forever and have to face the world. I used to do ‘things’, now doing anything requires a great leap of faith.
When the anxiety is the monster it also makes me low and depressed I feel hopeless and like I’ll never feel happy again. There is no joy in life and no end to the feelings of despair.
This in turn feeds the panic and this feeds the depression more. It makes me cry. This is not how I want things to be but I cant help it.
I have the support of family and a loving partner but sometimes even they cant reach me, the monster is too strong.
I look at them from a very deep pit and hate myself for being so weak and crap and imposing this on them. But I need to talk and talk and talk and talk about this until it gets smaller and goes away. Until that day I have to bore them with it. Sorry guys.
I keep telling myself I WILL get better one day, I have to, the alternative is not something I want to live with every day. As my brush with death becomes more of a distant memory then so will the monster.
Until then, if you ask me if I’m ok and I say ‘yes I’m great!’ please give me a hug anyway, you know, just in case.
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Who knows where the time goes?

It was my intention upon writing this blog to keep it updated frequently but I just looked and my last post was in January. January and it’s now April!

So where are we now? Well it’s supposed to be Spring but its not doing a very good job of it at the moment. I’m still in Belfast, still waiting to start work and still overthinking everything.

I wasn’t sure what to write about this time but figured in the spirit of being honest about myself as with my other posts, I decided to do a bit of a serious(ish) piece on mental health.

I’ll be honest with you all I am struggling. A lot. I have had bouts of depression and anxiety on and off throughout my life. I thought I finally defeated it a few years ago after a bit of a breakdown and time in hospital where there was a man on my corridor who kept shouting ‘sausages’.

But the black dog has returned with a vengeance, mainly due to facing my own mortality and subsequent cabin fever from the brain burst.

There’s a little video I love about depression:

I had a Black Dog

I have been having CBT recently to combat the crippling anxiety I have been experiencing. There are days when I would be shaking constantly just because in my subconscious there is fear. I seem to be scared of everything now. My primitive mind is trying to protect my body by making me cautious but it’s gone a bit overboard, bless it.

One day I’m fine the next day I want to disappear off the planet. The really fun days are the massive panic attacks when I feel like I’m done for and have to lie on the floor to ground myself (not so easy in the Co-op I can tell you).

I am avoiding social situations because of the fear. Fear of what exactly? I’m not entirely sure. In all seriousness I am tired, sweaty, shaky, scared and sad. I have lost all my confidence and feel unsure of myself and can’t make decisions.

I am no longer me

I have lost myself somewhere

Sometimes I don’t have the fight left anymore to even try and get through the day, sometimes I feel invisible. I’m stuck in a place where I don’t want to live but I don’t want to die either.

I used to find joy in life, I used to be busy and active and fit.

I’m just hoping one day that person can come out of hiding and live in my body again. All I know is I want to stop crying and feeling scared and have fun again. I want to enjoy the fresh start I have and my lovely other half who is like a sponge and soaks up my anxieties and supports me. He must be tired now too though. So I also want to do it for him.