It’s cold out there now, bloody freezing in fact. So this becomes excuse number 45 in my list of excuses to do nothing.
Before the accident I was very active, I did over 5 hours skating every week as well as going running up hills, walking in beautiful Craggs and generally keeping busy. Then the accident happened and all that went out of the window. Imagine losing all that overnight, I lost everything.
Brain Injury is a lonely place. I don’t know anyone in real life who has experienced it, the people I have met via the Internet are too far away and so you become a tribe of one. Also factor in that it happened just as I moved countries and hadn’t had a chance to really build up a social life and you get a lot of staring into space done in a day.
I’ve read all I want to read about my condition and subsequent mental health issues for now, there has to come a point where you put the books down and start just ‘getting on with it’. That is the problem now though, just getting on with it has suddenly become the hardest thing in the world. I have no motivation whatsoever and the anxiety still lurks telling me that everything is dangerous. That voice is becoming less strong now but when everyone works during the week there’s no one to kick my arse out of the door. I need that right now, I’m not doing it myself yet, I think that will come but I just need a boost initially. As a result I’ve become very deconditioned physically, the only way I’m going to get energy back and beat the anxiety is to get active again.
People might think I’m lucky, there are some who would love to stay at home all day and do nothing but believe me it gets very boring very quickly. I would like the choice, I would like ‘normal’. Normal seems pretty damn good from where I’m standing right now.