Work it baby

Right, I’m back at work. I have been for 2 weeks.

I am tired and my shifts are too long. I feel like giving up. But if I give up now I’ll find it even harder next time. If I didn’t need to eat or live in a house I’d give it up tomorrow.

This sums it up for me especially the first section.

I have a double issue I have an injury that is invisible and an illness that is also invisible. So to sit and tell someone how I feel and how I’m affected whilst looking healthy and ok is extremely difficult. I know I’m lucky to have a job, to be able to pay the bills and its thoughts like this that compound my guilt and make me feel I should just ‘get on with it’.

It makes me want to give up.

I want to give up.

I told some people earlier I feel robbed of my life. This is true, I do. I’m not now nor will ever be again the person I was. I didn’t choose this, I certainly don’t want it and to try and reconcile who I am now with how I want to be is extremely difficult.